i am not belle

So much for staying up last night. I didn’t get to sleep til about 3.30 and when I woke, it was already 10.30- a quarter way into my stats lecture, so I decided not to go into uni today. Actually, I made that decision last night while I was still online. I might as well be definite about what I’m going to be doing today than go to bed unsure. At least, it would give me some peace of mind about some things. I definitely need certainty at this time.

I had some breakfast and watched the remainder of the US Open men’s finals. It went by so quickly- the last I’ve watched of the US Open was the women’s semi finals where Serena chucked that hissy fit and threatened the lines-person. That was kinda funny, especially how she denied the entire thing at a press conference shortly after. That was lame. I am glad Kim Clijsters got through, she won the finals :0)

Today’s a nice semi-sunny semi-breezy day. There’d be no point going into uni as I would be stuck in lectures and tutes for a straight four hours. It doesn’t seem like much, but I just can’t sit still for something like half an hour without fidgeting or finding excuses to get up. I would really like to just get up in the middle of a tutorial and go for a walk and come back with a clear head. I don’t think science is my thing at all. It requires too much analysis, and I like how things work without knowing all the intricate details. I mean, knowledge is something, but knowing too much just kills my lust for life. I don’t even want to be a scientist anymore. According to social psychology, scientists apparently have better quality friends. It’s to do with their work environment and because they spend most of the time working on their research, they have smaller groups of peers, which perhaps leads to closer bonding, as opposed to people who work with lots of people. I think it’s got to do with how you distribute yourself between everybody. You don’t need to conduct research on that, it’s just a basic fact and everybody knows it: the less friends you have, the closer you are; the more friends you have, the more effort you’re required to put in just to keep tabs on them.

Speaking of friends, I was looking at the birthday list of invitees and started to feel a bit nostalgic. There were people who weren’t there who should have been and people who should not be there were there. I altered the list a little and asked Ray to send an updating email to everyone, which he so kindly did. You never think the people who you were once so close with won’t be so close with you anymore in about a year or two. Nobody thinks about that often, and nobody really wants to, either. I don’t think it helps when you ruminate on such things, but it’s bound to happen, and sometimes it’s pretty sad. I was eating with a friend recently and from the corner of my eye I spotted a girl walk past whom I used to go to uni with and I wanted to wave, but had enough time to see her look at me as she continued to walk. That was a bit cut. It turns out she’s pregnant. Maybe she didn’t want to confront that, but it’s not like I’ll judge. I’ve already seen enough of my high school friends get knocked up and now there’s babies popping out everywhere. I don’t mean to make it sound so condescending (though that isn’t my intention), but it’s just weird. Maybe it’s not so weird (like up in the Central Coast), but it’s a bit sad. I think I’ve talked about this with a couple of friends and it’s unimaginable to empathise what teenage mothers might be going through. Here you are, just starting out your life when you fall pregnant and pop out a baby. If you’re working or at uni, you surely cannot continue, or at the very least, you must allow yourself several months to recuperate from the birth and bond with your child. Next thing you know, they just cease study or work and it’s all about the baby. Then again, you’re still in the peak of your life, despite the presence of a baby, and you’ll want to go out and have fun and enjoy life like any other teen/twenteen, and why should anybody stop you? Just because you got yourself knocked up in the first place… but still, haven’t these girls heard of contraception? They’re old enough to know the consequences. How slack is that, calling a baby a ‘consequence’. It’s true though, right? Fuck, I hate being so diplomatic. I can never reach a solid conclusion.

Damn it, I’m supposed to be studying stats.