i am not belle

After reading Love & Punishment (Wendy Harmer, 2006), I was left to the conclusion that what lied ahead in life was a weekly column in some hapless women’s magazine giving love advice to the desperate and needy, all the while, clueless as how to go about my own personal problems. I have found that often the times I’ve been involved in drama was when a friend’s head was on my shoulders looking for consolation. I’ve grown up surrounded by drama: bitchy girls, immature boys, sleazes, sluts, bitches/bitchers, the whole she-bang! People’s problems, to me, came across as easy-to-fix and petty. I would talk to them for a while, stop the waterworks and the next thing I know, they’re smiling and on the way to progress. It’s so much easier to give an objective point of view, but when you’re that person confiding, I guess it’s understandable that you’ll be very resistant in taking whatever advice is being given.

Psychologists are apparently, not allowed to treat themselves if they find themselves in a mental rut. That’s understandable, I guess. No matter how well versed you are in your own psyche, it’s almost impossible to be diplomatic without getting your feelings involved. How is it possible that you can be totally aware of something, yet you cannot act on it, such as being objective. Emotions are volatile, yet they can take such a strong hold and affect nearly all your decision-making. They sway your thoughts, your attitudes and beliefs.

But I digress, I had not intended to give you a lecture on Emotions, however, if you are interested, I recommend doing PSYC2101, where you will touch ground with personality and assessment (where you will devote a section entirely to emotion). Anyway, take the following as psychobabble because I have absolutely no credentials or journal publications under my belt to prove such a point valid, but hope that with my fully sick detailing, I’d be able to make you understand, if not all, then some part of it.

How many times have you gotten over somebody and only looked back to think “what was I thinking?” We all do it, and it’s not a personal attack to anybody. I’m sure I’ve been the subject of “101 of my Worst Crushes Under 30″. I don’t exactly know why we think that way, it’s almost as if we’re trying to console ourselves and apologise (for liking) and forgive (for acknowledging) that they just weren’t right at all. In the past, I would have predicted that people have quite a detailed list of what they look for in a partner. Factors are as cliché as from ‘a good sense of humour’ to “personality”. I put speech marks in “personality” because it is way too broad to be inquired further upon, and most people get away with just that word alone. It’s like the safe word, assuring you a great person without explicitly stating “no uglies”. I have tried to avoid using the P word when friends do ask when we have those hypothetical sessions. Often, when we reflect, we don’t really know what made us click or what made them attractive to us, and you all know who I mean when I say “them”, you can keep the identity as Mr or Miss X, so bear with me. I understand that it is often difficult to keep a clear mind when reflecting, especially when circumstances can be analogies for onomatopoeias of planes crashing.

Okay, so it’s over, and you’re crying or punching a well hung pig in a poultry packing factory. What’s the first thing you do? Call them and give them an earful, write a teary letter, do a nekkid raindance in the backyard upon the sight of a full moon and cry. Once that’s over, you might need a few weeks to recuperate. And I say “few weeks” quite loosely. I understand people can get over it in 2 days to 2 years. If you were wondering, my focus is not based on the amount of time you spent together with the person, it’s just assumed, you’ve both spent a considerable amount of time with each other. Say they’re out and Mr Y (I’ll refer to Mr Y, [for you straight girls, gay boys and other]) comes in. Am I happy? Should I be happy? It’s not the same person, obviously. You don’t need a metaphysicist to tell you they’re not the same person. But here he is, in all his lustrous glory, obviously enjoying your company. A few months go by and soon you’re back to your cheery, bubbly self. You have fallen for this Mr Y. We’ll keep the progress as it stands. What’s changed? But you seem so happy, you seem just as content as you were with Mr X. Could it be.. can it be?

HYPOTHESIS: It is not the PERSON. It is the COMPANY. It is an ongoing pattern, and it WILL be an ongoing pattern for as long as you keep this up. I told you I don’t have any proof but the sum of my own knowledge and influences to back this claim up. You can participate in exactly the same activities as you had with Mr X, but the only thing’s that changed is Mr X (who is obviously now a [hunkier] Mr Y). It’s still you, well, it’s your story to begin with. It is evident in relationships all around us. People break up, within a few hours, days, weeks, months, they’re hanging off the arm of another man/woman/she-male/he-man and happier than ever. All that time spent weeping, WEEPING about Mr X has been compensated by the presence of this Mr Y.

SOLUTION: To think of people not as people, but as interchangable letters of the alphabet, and if I really do want to spice it up, create individual binary codes for all of them? Not really, but to see it as an obstacle that is well overrated. I’ll admit I’ve been in the shoes where I’ve just been so down and in comes another person and before I know it, it’s ‘Mr X Who?’ When I first realised, I found this terribly immoral. That I was able to forget so much about another person so quickly, all thanks to a newcomer. I have questioned the importance of the former and if they were so, why is it so much easier now? Is it only easier because I find myself in a situation I had previously found comfort in? Why do I suddenly not give a shit about Mr X? It’s because I have Mr Y. Oh god, I just realised something. Nevermind. But hey, do you get what I’m saying? I don’t know if this is common knowledge that I have just come to acknowledge, or if it’s something we’ve all had ingrained in the back of our minds, but never quite brought to the surface. I made a vow to myself from very early on (my first heartbreak, several years ago), that I would keep frequent tabs on my emotions. I needed to have this equilibrium where I was able to be very instinctive of myself, yet be able to function properly. I needed to barricade myself from dangers, such as shitty people and shitty relationships. Shitty people are the number one shit factor in my episodes of social blues. Shitty people are defined by their inability to fit into the jigsaw. I know we all have a right to be unique and quirky and whatever the fuck it is you want to be that makes you stand out from the rest, but to refuse to properly follow a social order (and I mean that in the most personal way possible) is just indecent and-

I digress, once again. The reason why I am writing this is because I have always used this excuse, which will soon become a valid reason, to comfort those I’ve loved. I don’t love a lot of people because I am just incapable of giving myself so freely to anyone, and I suppose you don’t as well, whoever you are. I hope that this concept, while not scientifically proven (like Jesus), will bring you warmth and condolence in your down times, and to always keep your chin up for that Mr or Miss 01001110.

I woke up to the sweet sounds of jazz playing from my neighbour’s car this morning. It was a nice way to wake up to such a lovely Sunday morning. Am trying hard not to think about inevitable uni tomorrow, particularly the four hour biotech lab. I wonder if the instructor is going to say anything about some of us not proceeding to lab after the mid-sessions last week. Oh well, who cares. I can’t miss anymore, or else I’ll be put down for an AF. Facepalm*

The week went by so quickly, I didn’t even realise it. I tried to get the most of my cramming out of last night and it was semi-hopeless. I have decided to combine my degree with Arts so I can finish off what’s left of my previous degree. Man, I feel like chocolate now. Damn ads. I still have the Maltesers from last week, and there’s some dark chocolate in the house from several months ago. Am not a big fan of dark chocolate and I’ll probably only ever eat it when I’m reminded of how it’s good for you (sort of).

These breaks should be extended to two weeks, like back in school. How good was that? None of this one week every six week crap. Somebody told me that this semester’s been extended to 13 weeks. I wasn’t sure how that worked, like does that include the week 0 workshops or do we… actually have 13 weeks? Confused. The uni should send out letters or something.

I love reading Body + Soul on a Sunday. It makes me feel like I have nothing to do for the whole day. I borrowed a book from the local library on Thursday called Love & Punishment by Wendy Harmer. I never knew she wrote books. It should be a good read. I have been itching to get my hands on some chick lit for a while now. I used to read them more than my prescribed readings for uni. I wish there was a unit on romantic literature. Modern romantic literature. If you’re thinking of British romantic literature, as that might possibly be the closest thing to romance novels, forget it. I fucking loathe it. Maybe except for Emma- I haven’t read it, but I have watched Clueless, and I loved it. I like another remake, this one of Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew, 10 Things I Hate About You.

I miss 90s teen movies, even though I was barely a teen back then. I loved watching things I didn’t really have to think about too much. That’s not to sound degrading or anything. What I meant was that.. it was nice watching something light and not so serious. I don’t really get the chance to do that without feeling like I should be doing something more productive.

Why do I fear opening up WebCT? I feel like some pop-up is going to fill the screen and warn me of my inevitable failure and doom.

Dude, seriously, what happened to Calvin Harris? I love him and all that, but what’s with this new dancey sound? Such a change from his first album, which I personally think, was so much better. Sigh. He sounds a bit generic now :S