i am not belle

I can’t sleep. I got back from dinner with Ulrika and Geoff less than two hours ago and it’s already close to 1.30AM now. It’s been an alright day at uni today, and I only turned up for the chem tutorial. I should start going to maths. I hear we’ve got a new lecturer, but statistics is so utterly boring. I’ve managed to “do” my assignment, which is due this Thursday, so I can go to Oktoberfest and not feel like I have shitloads to do. I still do, despite the wretched assignment, but one down is better than nothing, even if I know I’m going to flunk it because I have been paying absolutely NO attention to it all semester.

I can’t remember the last time (prior to this current one) I had an argument with a friend and ended up not talking to them for weeks at a time. I am in the middle of one now, and we’re both holding angry, hurtful, annoyingly immature thoughts about each other. There’s only one friend I’ve stopped talking to, and that’s lasted for about close to a year now. It was just a mutual thing as well. There was no verbal agreement to it as well. No fights, nothing: It was simply not talking, and we’ve managed to keep this up ever since. Though sometimes I still see them around, and we dodge each other. Anyway, now that I am in this situation again (under different circumstances), the thought now turns to when I should start talking to them again. Actually, they initiated the idea that we both just stop talking and seeing each other for a while, which totally hurt me on the day, but now I’m a bit meh about it because I hardly see them anyway. Should I even be affected by this too much? I’m hoping not. Surely, this pettiness will die out sooner or later. I don’t even know why they’re mad at me (don’t we all). I should be the one mad at THEM. What the hell did I do?

I need to divide this up if I’m to make any rational decision about what to do next. First thing is: what do I want? I know it takes two to tango, but it really doesn’t work if I don’t even know if I want to keep talking to this person or not. Overall, the answer is yes. Then again, that ‘yes’ is tainted with many doubts on why I shouldn’t just avoid them because they’ve done so and so before, and I cannot really value them the same after that. We both seem to hold grudges, but I suck at them because I tend to forget, which brings me to my next point..

What should I do? Talk to them? Not after they told me they don’t want to see me for a while (or maybe if ever, if they’re trying to sugarcoat things). How long should I wait before they start talking to me again? Or how long should I wait before I start talking to them again? I tend to forget why I am mad at people and will accidentally text or call. Totally defeats the purpose of making them feel like shit. In order to minimise the chances of this, I have deleted their number, their MSN and Facebook (ouch). I’ve done this a few days ago, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m not mad at them, but it would help if they were not so in my face all the time every time I logged on. Because Facebook is such a well familiarised concept, and I know they’re totally addicted to it, I have eventually weeded out what they have reciprocated and went around it. Har har.

I am so not mad at all. I find this hilarious and entertaining. I can’t view them unless I add them as a friend now, which I will so not do. Let’s see how long I can go for. I will totally have you know that I can sustain from such a want, not that it’s a want, but I’ll never admit it anyway.

Reminder to self: DO NOT PRESS ADD AS FRIEND. I REPEAT, DO NOT PRESS.

Must. Not. Give. In.

I’m going to bed now. Am going to spring clean, emotionally detox and drink plenty of water. I want to feel good this season. I will not let myself mope over people. We totally need to turn this around. Why do I suddenly feel like a haircut? A new look is on the cards. Watch out kids, Chok is gonna be revamped and swingin’. Well, hopefully not too much, or else I’ll seriously get hurt.

I was so absent-minded while waiting for my train home tonight. I attempted plugging my headphones into my instant hand sanitiser, only to realise what I was doing later. It wasn’t an accidental fumble in the handbag, either. Both items were in my hands, in front of me. What a show! I say, I haven’t felt that incompetent in more than 14 hours.

So much for staying up last night. I didn’t get to sleep til about 3.30 and when I woke, it was already 10.30- a quarter way into my stats lecture, so I decided not to go into uni today. Actually, I made that decision last night while I was still online. I might as well be definite about what I’m going to be doing today than go to bed unsure. At least, it would give me some peace of mind about some things. I definitely need certainty at this time.

I had some breakfast and watched the remainder of the US Open men’s finals. It went by so quickly- the last I’ve watched of the US Open was the women’s semi finals where Serena chucked that hissy fit and threatened the lines-person. That was kinda funny, especially how she denied the entire thing at a press conference shortly after. That was lame. I am glad Kim Clijsters got through, she won the finals :0)

Today’s a nice semi-sunny semi-breezy day. There’d be no point going into uni as I would be stuck in lectures and tutes for a straight four hours. It doesn’t seem like much, but I just can’t sit still for something like half an hour without fidgeting or finding excuses to get up. I would really like to just get up in the middle of a tutorial and go for a walk and come back with a clear head. I don’t think science is my thing at all. It requires too much analysis, and I like how things work without knowing all the intricate details. I mean, knowledge is something, but knowing too much just kills my lust for life. I don’t even want to be a scientist anymore. According to social psychology, scientists apparently have better quality friends. It’s to do with their work environment and because they spend most of the time working on their research, they have smaller groups of peers, which perhaps leads to closer bonding, as opposed to people who work with lots of people. I think it’s got to do with how you distribute yourself between everybody. You don’t need to conduct research on that, it’s just a basic fact and everybody knows it: the less friends you have, the closer you are; the more friends you have, the more effort you’re required to put in just to keep tabs on them.

Speaking of friends, I was looking at the birthday list of invitees and started to feel a bit nostalgic. There were people who weren’t there who should have been and people who should not be there were there. I altered the list a little and asked Ray to send an updating email to everyone, which he so kindly did. You never think the people who you were once so close with won’t be so close with you anymore in about a year or two. Nobody thinks about that often, and nobody really wants to, either. I don’t think it helps when you ruminate on such things, but it’s bound to happen, and sometimes it’s pretty sad. I was eating with a friend recently and from the corner of my eye I spotted a girl walk past whom I used to go to uni with and I wanted to wave, but had enough time to see her look at me as she continued to walk. That was a bit cut. It turns out she’s pregnant. Maybe she didn’t want to confront that, but it’s not like I’ll judge. I’ve already seen enough of my high school friends get knocked up and now there’s babies popping out everywhere. I don’t mean to make it sound so condescending (though that isn’t my intention), but it’s just weird. Maybe it’s not so weird (like up in the Central Coast), but it’s a bit sad. I think I’ve talked about this with a couple of friends and it’s unimaginable to empathise what teenage mothers might be going through. Here you are, just starting out your life when you fall pregnant and pop out a baby. If you’re working or at uni, you surely cannot continue, or at the very least, you must allow yourself several months to recuperate from the birth and bond with your child. Next thing you know, they just cease study or work and it’s all about the baby. Then again, you’re still in the peak of your life, despite the presence of a baby, and you’ll want to go out and have fun and enjoy life like any other teen/twenteen, and why should anybody stop you? Just because you got yourself knocked up in the first place… but still, haven’t these girls heard of contraception? They’re old enough to know the consequences. How slack is that, calling a baby a ‘consequence’. It’s true though, right? Fuck, I hate being so diplomatic. I can never reach a solid conclusion.

Damn it, I’m supposed to be studying stats.