i am not belle

I have yet to lodge in my tax return. I know, I’ve been holding it off for a pretty long while now, but I just haven’t been bothered, or I would totally forget about it. Most likely it’ll be the latter, as I have also missed the last two dentist appointments, which spanned over two months. Yep. Need to get some priorities straight.

It was Oktoberfest @UNSW on Thursday. Pretty much the biggest party of the year. My friends and I queued up with about half the uni and had to wait FOUR BLOODY HOURS- from 4.30-8.30. There were people constantly pushing in and getting ahead of us, and we didn’t end up getting in as the Roundhouse was maxed out with around 5000 people already inside. Instead, we got some alcohol from the bottle shop down the street and ended up drinking and eating Maccas on the Village Green. We met some randoms as they had a football and we ended up playing Spin the Bottle. The lights in the oval went out at around 9.30 and it was totes fun! We practically had the entire field to ourselves and we could hear the music and screams from the Roundhouse. Ended up hanging around til about 12ish and didn’t get home til 3 something. Fun, fun night. The security guards asked if all the surrounding bottles were ours and if we had been drinking, and we answered no. They were oblivious that our Spin Bottle was in fact, a half empty bottle of Vodka. So funny. A lot of taking-off-pants, licking and belt whipping. (All Carol’s ideas!)

I didn’t end up going into uni yesterday. I’ve missed enough maths tutorials to fail, so now I feel slightly better about not putting in anymore effort for it. I’m not even going to show up to the final exam. Ugh, two reports due before exams start. Might go into uni tomorrow and start on it. MIGHT.

End of session party is next week. It’s always going to be a bit weak especially after something like Oktoberfest. Next year, I’m going to avoid classes on Thursday afternoons and attempt to get Fridays off. I have never had a day off since I started this degree. Not even with two arts subjects thrown in the mix as demonstrated last semester.

I feel like chocolate. I made an awesome Greek salad yesterday. My first time buying fetta cheese. I wonder what’ll happen if I heat it up on a slice of break. Wonder if it’ll melt or burn.

I can’t sleep. I got back from dinner with Ulrika and Geoff less than two hours ago and it’s already close to 1.30AM now. It’s been an alright day at uni today, and I only turned up for the chem tutorial. I should start going to maths. I hear we’ve got a new lecturer, but statistics is so utterly boring. I’ve managed to “do” my assignment, which is due this Thursday, so I can go to Oktoberfest and not feel like I have shitloads to do. I still do, despite the wretched assignment, but one down is better than nothing, even if I know I’m going to flunk it because I have been paying absolutely NO attention to it all semester.

I can’t remember the last time (prior to this current one) I had an argument with a friend and ended up not talking to them for weeks at a time. I am in the middle of one now, and we’re both holding angry, hurtful, annoyingly immature thoughts about each other. There’s only one friend I’ve stopped talking to, and that’s lasted for about close to a year now. It was just a mutual thing as well. There was no verbal agreement to it as well. No fights, nothing: It was simply not talking, and we’ve managed to keep this up ever since. Though sometimes I still see them around, and we dodge each other. Anyway, now that I am in this situation again (under different circumstances), the thought now turns to when I should start talking to them again. Actually, they initiated the idea that we both just stop talking and seeing each other for a while, which totally hurt me on the day, but now I’m a bit meh about it because I hardly see them anyway. Should I even be affected by this too much? I’m hoping not. Surely, this pettiness will die out sooner or later. I don’t even know why they’re mad at me (don’t we all). I should be the one mad at THEM. What the hell did I do?

I need to divide this up if I’m to make any rational decision about what to do next. First thing is: what do I want? I know it takes two to tango, but it really doesn’t work if I don’t even know if I want to keep talking to this person or not. Overall, the answer is yes. Then again, that ‘yes’ is tainted with many doubts on why I shouldn’t just avoid them because they’ve done so and so before, and I cannot really value them the same after that. We both seem to hold grudges, but I suck at them because I tend to forget, which brings me to my next point..

What should I do? Talk to them? Not after they told me they don’t want to see me for a while (or maybe if ever, if they’re trying to sugarcoat things). How long should I wait before they start talking to me again? Or how long should I wait before I start talking to them again? I tend to forget why I am mad at people and will accidentally text or call. Totally defeats the purpose of making them feel like shit. In order to minimise the chances of this, I have deleted their number, their MSN and Facebook (ouch). I’ve done this a few days ago, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m not mad at them, but it would help if they were not so in my face all the time every time I logged on. Because Facebook is such a well familiarised concept, and I know they’re totally addicted to it, I have eventually weeded out what they have reciprocated and went around it. Har har.

I am so not mad at all. I find this hilarious and entertaining. I can’t view them unless I add them as a friend now, which I will so not do. Let’s see how long I can go for. I will totally have you know that I can sustain from such a want, not that it’s a want, but I’ll never admit it anyway.

Reminder to self: DO NOT PRESS ADD AS FRIEND. I REPEAT, DO NOT PRESS.

Must. Not. Give. In.

I’m going to bed now. Am going to spring clean, emotionally detox and drink plenty of water. I want to feel good this season. I will not let myself mope over people. We totally need to turn this around. Why do I suddenly feel like a haircut? A new look is on the cards. Watch out kids, Chok is gonna be revamped and swingin’. Well, hopefully not too much, or else I’ll seriously get hurt.

I was so absent-minded while waiting for my train home tonight. I attempted plugging my headphones into my instant hand sanitiser, only to realise what I was doing later. It wasn’t an accidental fumble in the handbag, either. Both items were in my hands, in front of me. What a show! I say, I haven’t felt that incompetent in more than 14 hours.